*Shrek prepares to dine alone. Donkey looks on from, lays down on Shrek's doorsteps. Donkey watches the SITPS Warriors sleep with their sleeping bags. Shrek is sitting at the table eating, when he hear a noise. It sounds like his door opening*
Shrek: (calling) I thought I told you all to stay outside
Donkey: (calling from outside) We are outside!
*Shrek hears skittering. A shadow flits by. He spins to look. Suddenly, there is a crash and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table. Mouse 1 gestures as he speaks, knocking over Shrek's jar of eyeballs*
Mouse 1: Well gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Mouse 2: Well, it's not home but it'll do just fine
*Mouse 1 trips and falls flat on his face. Shrek gasps and starts toward the table. Mouse 2 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 3 bounces on Shrek's squid*
Mouse 3: What a lovely bed!
Shrek: (he grabs the third mice) Gotcha!
Mouse 3: (sniffs) I found some cheese
*Mouse 3 takes a bite of Shrek's ear, Shrek tries to grab the third mice*
Mouse 3: (disgusted) Bleach! Awful stuff!
*The third mice stumble around as he jumps from Shrek to a spoon, catapulting food into Shrek's face*
Mouse 1: Is that you, Gordo?
Mouse 3: How did you know?
*Shrek suddenly scoops the Three Blind Mice off the table*
Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house?!
*As Shrek turns to throw them out, he's hit by something from behind. Startled, Shrek drops the Three Blind Mice and they escape past the Seven Dwarfs who gave just shoved Snow White in her glass coffin, onto the table*
*The dwarf looks up and meet Shrek's eyes just as Shrek turns to the table*
Shrek: Oh no, no, no, no dead broad off the table!
*Shrek shoves the sarcophagus back at the dwarfs*
Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
*Confused Shrek rushes across the room and opens the bedroom door, revealing the Big Bad Wolf dressed in a nightie in Shrek's bed. Shrek stares in shock*
Big Bad Wolf: (beat) What?
*Shrek dragged the Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of the neck*
Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! (yells) What do I have to do get a little PRIVACY!!
*Shrek goes to throw the Big Bad Wolf out the front door. As he opens the door we rack focus over his shoulder to a teeming sea of creatures. Truck in on Shrek's face as he begins to register what he sees*
Shrek: Oh no! Oh no! No, no, NOOOO!!!
*Shocked and overwhelmed, Shrek is about to yell at the crowd when he is started by a powerful roar, like approaching jets*
Shrek: (diving for cover) AHHHH!!!
*Shrek hits the dirt as witches on broomsticks land like fighting pilots. An intense elf wearing ear protectors guides the airbornes hags in with signal flags. Shrek rises*
Shrek: (whispers) What?!
*A woodstock-like morases of fairytale creatures have filled the swamp. Refugee tents are everywhere; the Pied Piper camp with his rats, next to the Old Lady who lives in a shoe and her brood. The Three Bears huddle around a campfire with several of Santa's elves. Everywhere dwarves, fairies and unicorns have grouped around fires. The swamp is packed to the rafters*
Shrek: (strugged and frustrated) WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP!!!! (echos)
*Desperate to get the creatures off his land, Shrek tries to around them up as they run around in terror. The effort is futile; there are too many. Frustrated, Shrek's glare finds Donkey and the SITPS Warriors*
Shrek: (orders) Alright, get out of here! All of you, MOVE IT! Come on, let's go. Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! No, no, no, not there. Not there! (Shrek tries to open the door, but it's locked, with a deep sigh)
Donkey: Hey, don't look at us! We didn't invite them
*Pinocchio is volunteered by a shove from behind*
Pinocchio: Well gosh, no one invited us
*Shrek wheels on him, intent on getting to the bottom of this*
Shrek: (incredulous) What?!
Pinocchio: (frightened) We were forced to come here
Shrek: By who?
Pig: (german accent) Lord Farquaad! He huffed, und he puffed, und he-- signed an envictin notice
*His brothers nod their agreement*
Shrek: (sighs) All right. (telling the fairytale creatures who is Lord Farquaad) Who knows where this... Farquaad guy is?
Donkey: (hopping up and down) Oh, I do! I know where he is!
Shrek: Does anymore else know where to find him? Anyone at all. Anyone?
*Characters point in different directions. Donkey continues to leap up into Shrek's P.O.V*
Donkey: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh I know, I know. Me, Me
Shrek: (sighs) Okay, fine. (yells) Attention all... fairytale things!
*The creatures falls intonan uneasy silence*
Shrek: Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
Crowd: (cheered and clapping) Yaaaayyyyyy!
*Like Munchkins surrounding Dorothy, the fairytale characters cheer and celebrate Shrek as their hero. Birds drape the annoyed ogre in garlands. Shrek rolls his eyes*
Shrek: (utterly frusted growl) Ugh! You! (he points at Donkey) You're coming wih me. And you too all! (points at Star and her team) You're coming with us
Ace: (to Shrek with delighted) I like the way so said that, Doc
*Delighted to be included, Donkey stamps his feet in glee*
Donkey: Alright, that's what we like to hear, man- Shrek, Donkey and the SITPS Warriors, all of us stalwart friends off on a whirlwind, big city adventure. We love it!
Star: Alright, guys. Let's go to adventure!!!!
Everyone: (unison) Yeah!!!
*Donkey and the SITPS Warriors catches up to Shrek as he takes off in search of Lord Farquaad and dances along side as they exit the swamp*
Donkey: (singing) On the road again... Sing it with ,Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again...
Shrek: (he grabs his flower hat with his hand) What did I say about singing?
Donkey: Well, can I whistle?
Donkey: Well, can I hum it?
Shrek: Alright. Humming
*Donkey continues to hum as they head into the forest to start their journey. Close on, a glass of mike being poured. A torturer. Intercut with the large as life Lord Farquaad striding in slow motion through the halls of DuLoc Castle. Lord Farquaad enters, the torturer has his back to us*
Gingy: No!!! Ahhhh! Bbbblbbblbbbl!
Lord Farquaad: (to his torturer man) That's enough. He's ready to talk
*The torturer spins around revealing he has been torturing a Gingy. Close on the table, as Gingy is throwndown on a cooking tray*
Gingy: (coughs, hack)
*Lord Farquaad strolls up to the executioner, revealing that he is only about four-and-a-half feet tall. He approaches a table in the center of the room, his hat just visible above the table*
Lord Farquaad: (mocking) Run, run, runmas fast as you can, you can't catch me-- I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingy: You're a monster!
Lord Farquaad: I'm not monser here, you are. You and the rest of the fairy poisoning my perfect world. Now me, where the others?
Gingy: Eat me Pttoop (he spits milk in Lord Farquaad's face. Lord Farquaad slowly wipes it off*
Lord Farquaad: (through clenched teeth) I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience had reached it's end-- tell me or I'll...
*Lord Farquaad leans over, reaching for Gingy's buttons*
Gingy: No! Not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttoms!
Lord Farquaad: Alright then, who's hiding them?
Gingy: (broken) Okay... I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingy: The Muffin Man
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?!
Gingy: (screaming) THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: (thoughtful, to himself) She's marrried to the Muffin Man...
*The dungeon doors burst open suddenly and Captain appears*
Captain of the Guards: (to Lord Farquaad) My Lord, we found it
Lord Farquaad: (eagerly) Then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in!!!
*The guards hang a shrouded figure from a chair. Whoosh! They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate; full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror*
Everyone: (unison) Ahhhh...
Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror
Gingy: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!
*Lord Farquaad violently swipes Gingy from the table into a metal flip-top wast bin*
Gingy: No! Ahhh!!! Ah!
*Lord Farquaad turns to the Magic Mirror ominously, then smiles*
Lord Farquaad: (brightly) Evening! (he approaches the mirror) Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king
Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius...
*Thelonius holds up a small hand mirror and crushes it. Mirror catches his own mistake*
Lord Farquaad: You were saying...
Magic Mirror: (scrambling, trying to cover) What I mean is you're not a king yet... but you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess
*Lord Farquaad glares, Thelonius leans in, menacically*
Lord Farquaad: Go on
Magic Mirror: (game show host) So just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligibate bachelorettes, and... heeeerreee they are!
*Herb Alpert's Tijuama Taxi kicks in. Mirror gestures to one side and camera pans to reveal three shadowly portraits of Cinderalla, Snow White and Princess Fiona. Portrait of Cinderalla*
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom, far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing-anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters! Please welcome... Cinderella!
*Light shifts revealing Cinderella. Portrait of Snow White*
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy! Just kiss her frozen her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is! Come on, give it up for Snow White!
*Light pops on revealing Snow White. Portrait of Princess Fiona*
Magic Mirror: At last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery red-head from a dragon guarded castle, surround by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol, who likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing... Princess Fiona!
*Light pops on revealing Princess Fiona*
Magic Mirror: So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
Guards: (unisons) 1,3,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,1,3,1,2,3,3,1,2!!!
Lord Farquaad: 1,2,3, um 1,3, um...
Thelonious: Three. Pick three, my lord
Lord Farquaad: Well... okay, okay, uuuhhh... number three!
Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen... Princess Fiona!
*Close on the portrait of Princess Fiona as the Pina Coloda song kicks in. There is wild audience and Lord Farquaad is ecstatic. Captivated by Princess Fiona, Lord Farquaad turns away, lost in thought*
Lord Farquaad: (dreamy) Princess Fiona, she's perfect. (thinking) All I have to do is just to find someone to go...
Magic Mirror: (interrupting) But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night...
Lord Farquaad: (to himself) I'll do it
Magic Mirror: Yes but after sunset...
Lord Farquaad: (puts a halt hand right at the Magic Mirror) Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will have the perfect king! (snaps his fingers to a knight) Captain, assemble your finest men, we're going to have a tournament!
???: As am I, my lord
Lord Farquaad: Huh? Oh, hello there, your highness. What a suprised to see you. And, who are you?
Black Star: My name is... (comes out from her shadow) Black Star. And I'm coming from a different universe